Jokes thread

Alright… for my sake, keep them clean. I’ll start with something:

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for crackers. The bartender says “Look, this is a bar; we don’t serve that here! Go away!”

The duck leaves, then comes back and asks the bartender again, “Got any crackers?” The bartender gets disgusted - he replied, “Look, if you come here again, asking for crackers like that again, I’m going to nail your feet to the stool!” So the duck left…

The duck returned the next day and asked the bartender, “Got any nails?”
Bartender: No…
Duck: Got any crackers?

Frank goes to bed (no this is not dirty), and his wife tells him he’s left the light on in the shed. He looks out the window, and the light’s on and the door’s open.

He goes downstairs, and before he goes out the door, he sees the shed’s being robbed. So, he phones the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”. He told them “No”, and they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

He said “OK”, hung up, counted to 30, then phoned them again.

“Hello, I just called you a minute or two ago, to say that some people were in my shed. Well, you don’t need to worry about it now, because I’ve shot them all.”

The he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at Frank’s house. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

The policeman said to Frank “I thought you said you’d shot them!”

Frank replied “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me three bottles of Budweiser, please.”
So the bartender brings him three bottles and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Switzerland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Budweisers too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking.”

I’ve probably made a mistake or two… please forgive me if I do:

So a frog goes to the bank and gets in line to see a teller. He finally gets to the front of the line to see a teller, who has a nametag that reads “P. Black.” The frog approached the teller and asked "Pardon me, miss, but I need a loan. asks the teller for a loan. The teller asks, “Do you have an account here?” The frog replied “Well, I don’t… though Mick Jagger is my father.” The banker indicated that she needed collateral for the loan, so the frog replied, “Oh, I’ve got it right here!” and produces a small elephant figurine. The teller, puzzled, explained that she would have to speak with her manager about this.

After she explained the whole situation, her manager said:

“It’s a nick nack, Patty Black; give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

(29 January 2003, Brazil) At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel.

The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.

A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away.

Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.

I find the comments on the link funnier than the joke =P

Haha, funny one xD

Didn’t knew it allready :X

hahaha :smiley: Funny joke dude!